Being An Overly Self Conscious Person..
Today’s post is going to be a little bit more on the personal side. I wanted to share with you all something I have dealt with my entire life and am still currently dealing with which is being a very self conscious person. Of course, we all feel self conscious now and then but the way I feel it is on an extreme level and not only does it affect so many parts of my life negatively but it leads to feelings of anxiety, low motivation and low self esteem. I guess these days I have been struggling with it way more than I previously have which kind of motivated me to write this post.
Not Being Able To Be Myself
I can count on one hand the number of people I have in my life that I am truly myself with. It is not that I don’t want to be myself around people, it is more that my self consciousness makes me so aware of how others are seeing me that I end being an awkward mess. It is truly so frustrating going through life not being able to be yourself because these irrational fears inside of me do not allow me to.
Changing My Personality
I always feel the need to change my personality depending on who I am with which is so unhealthy. Maybe because I feel this strong urge to fit in and be liked by everyone that I assume by acting like those around me, I will be more likely to be accepted by them. So basically I will act differently around my family and differently around my friends but what happens when those two groups of people come together- who am I supposed to act like then? It is actually really messed up and elevates feelings of anxiety in me in situations that to a normal person would be completely stress free.
Feeling Of Self-Hatred
I truly believe in the importance of loving yourself, however; I have noticed that due to my negative self conscious emotions, if I ever embarrass my self in social situations or feel awkward, my self esteem becomes really low and I really start hating myself. I will often get thoughts of just being anybody else in the entire world than myself. I respond to these situations with feelings of hostility towards others and isolate myself. I also get feelings of jealousy towards those who are more confident in themselves and even constantly comparing myself to others and subconsciously putting myself down and of course, eventually these feelings of self hatred start to affect every part of my life negatively. I get demotivated, feel worthless and I am constantly feeling super anxious.
Being Overly Quiet In Social Situations
I have always been a somewhat shy/reserved person but often times in social situations, I become super quiet especially if I am around people who I do not feel comfortable with. Even if I have something to say, I will have to think 10 times before actually saying it because I am afraid that I will say something stupid or make a fool out of myself. My head is only filled with thoughts what others are thinking of me which in turn just affects me negatively because to others I probably come across as a super unfriendly person when the reality is far from that!
Not Knowing Who I Am
‘Who am I?’- a question I find myself asking a lot- because when my brain is too occupied with what others think of me and how I should be acting instead of how I want to be acting- I forget who I actually am. It is actually quite scary because I want to find myself and I want to know what kind of person I truly am so that I can find people who I truly fit in with and who will accept me for who I am. As sad as it sounds, I guess I have gone through my life till now not knowing who I am and is something but is definitely something I want to work on actively.
I hope this post did not come across as overly depressing haha, but I just wanted to share my thoughts with you all as I want to start sharing more of my personal side and struggles with you all here on my blog. Perhaps some of you who also are super self conscious about themselves like me could relate to this and if so, just know that you are not alone!
Let me know your thoughts in the comments!
THANK YOU FOR READING! xx